I love you, always
by alwaysx4
Summary: Sometimes life's good but sometimes it shows you how horrible this world can be. Caskett.


**Title: I love you, always.**

**Summary: **_Sometimes life's good but sometimes it shows you how horrible this world can be. Caskett._

**About: **It's early spring and love is in the air, right? Well not for everyone. This happens sometime after 4x10**.** I don't wanna talk to much I would prefer to just let you read this but I need to say one more thing – I'm gonna dedicate this fic to someone very very special:

* * *

><p><em><strong>To Shivanna,<strong>_

_**one of the most beautiful and happy girls I know.**_

_**And even after some really horrible things she still**_

_**manages it to smile and for that I admire her.**_

_**To you, my sweetheart, who always makes me smile.**_

_**To a perfect girl – thank you & happy birthday.**_

* * *

><p>It was six o'clock in the morning when the phone rang. It surprised her that it rang because it wasn't her cellphone that started ranging - it was her home phone. She sighed and stood up. Slowly and still asleep she walked through her room to the living room.<p>

"Beckett?" she answered the phone.

"Detective Beckett, I'm sorry to bother you at this time in the morning but you were the only one in his contact list we could reach." a male voice told her.

"I'm sorry, who's there? And whose contact list?" she said but somehow she knew whose list he was talking about.

"I'm doctor Morris. Detective, I'm sorry to tell you that Mr. Castle just came in the hospital."

"What?" her voice raised and she could feel her knees trembling.

"You were the only one we could reach. His mother and daughter didn't answer their phones." he told her.

"Yes...that's because they are not in town. Why did Mr. Castle go into the hospital?" she asked but she didn't want to know.

"He collapsed right in front of the 12th. I guess that's your precinct. Anyway, he's having surgery right know. Paramedics brought him in." to her his voice felt far away. Her heart was pounding so loud she could hear it.

"Why is he having surgery?" she asked and searched for her sofa. She nearly fell into it as she walked backwards.

"He had a heart attack. I'm sorry, detective." she didn't want to hear his 'I'm sorry' anymore. It sounded like he was telling her Rick died. Tears ran down her cheeks.

"I'll be there in fifteen minutes." she said and hung up.

She called Martha and Alexis and told them that Rick had have a break down and that he was in hospital. She didn't want to tell them more. They seemed scared enough and Kate couldn't tell them about the heart attack or that he was in surgery.

"We're on our way. Thank you, Kate" it was Martha who was still able to speak and Kate could her why; Alexis was crying in the background.

After hanging up with Martha she got dressed and left her apartment.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later she was entering the hospital. She took the first nurse she could see and asked her for Dr. Morris.<p>

"Second floor. He's operating" the nurse told her and smiled.

"Thanks" Kate said and wanted to punch that woman in the face. How could she talk about operating someone and smile?

She nearly ran to the elevator and pressed the button. A few seconds later the doors to the elevator opened and Kate went in.

She was coming out of the elevator when she saw two people entering a room with a bed and a patient in it.

"Detective Beckett?" a male voice asked and Kate recognized Dr. Morris' voice.

"Yes." she said still looking at the room.

"Mr. Castle is still in surgery" he started and Kate looked at him. "He will come out in about one hour. I would need you to sign a few documents." he said and Kate nodded.

"Of course" she said and nodded. He called for a nurse.

"Would you give Detective Beckett the documents she needs to sign, please?" the nurse nodded and brought a folder. "I need to go back to the surgery." he said and walked through some doors and disappeared in a room.

"Here you go" the nurse gave her the thin folder. "just formal things" she said and handled her a pen.

"Thank you" Kate said and looked around searching for a place to sit down.

"You can go into the waiting room. It's down the hallway." the nurse told her. Kate nodded and started walking.

* * *

><p>She was finishing filling out everything when she heard a familiar voice.<p>

"She's in the waiting room" a woman said.

"Thank you. And do you know something about Richard Castle? How's his surgery going?" she could have recognize Martha's voice all over the world.

"I'm sorry but I don't know anything. But I do know that Dr. Morris keeps coming out to keep Mrs. Beckett up to date." the woman, probably a nurse, answered.

"Thank you." Martha said again and then Kate could hear her coming to the waiting room. She stood up and turned to the door when Martha and Alexis stepped in. Kate just wanted to say 'hello' when Alexis fell into her arms. Slowly she embraced her and looked to Martha.

"Oh Kate, how are you?" Martha asked and came into the room.

"I don't know." she answered honestly. "The doctor gave me those papers to sign and fill" she told Martha and pointed at the papers on the chair.

Alexis let go off of Kate and looked at her; her eyes red and wet. "How's dad?" she asked and sniffed.

"He's still in surgery. Dr. Morris says he's doing fine. He'll come out of surgery in about fifteen minutes. The doctor will tell us when they're finishing." she told her and Alexis nodded grateful.

"Thank god you were in town, Kate" now it was Martha hugging her. But this hug felt different; Martha didn't hug her because she needed it but because she know that Kate needed it. "Thank you" Martha said.

Kate didn't know what to say. You're welcome? Always? No problem? She didn't feel like she was helping anyone; she didn't feel like she deserved a 'thank you'.

Martha was releasing her from the hug when Dr. Morris came is.

"Detective" he said and looked to Martha and Alexis.

"Dr. Morris, this is Martha and this is Alexis. They're Mr. Castle's family." she said and the doctor nodded but he didn't seem pleased. "Is something wrong?" Kate asked and felt how she started trembling again.

"Well, he made it through the surgery but..." she could hear Alexis crying again Martha trying to keep her calm. She felt how her heart started pounding faster and faster and she was sure everyone in the room could hear it.

"But?" she asked quiet.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Beckett. Mr. Castle fell into a coma." he said and Kate forgot to breath.

"But he will wake up soon, right?" she asked about to faint.

"I want to be honest with you, I don't think he will." the doctor said.

They were just staying there. Kate could now hear Martha crying too. She wanted to cry too but somehow she couldn't. Instead she felt empty. He wasn't dead but still he wasn't really alive. It felt like someone had ripped her heart out of her chest. There was a big emptiness and she knew that if Castle didn't wake up nothing would be able to fill that emptiness.

* * *

><p>Six weeks had passed since Castle had collapsed. Kate was staying next to the door to his room when Martha came out and asked Kate to take a walk with her.<p>

"Kate, tell me why you don't go in" she said as she stopped and sat down. Kate hadn't noticed that they arrived at the waiting room. She sighed and sat down next to Martha.

"I can't. Right now to me there is still the possibility that he wakes up but..." the tears started running down her face and the emptiness that she had felt weeks before was replaced by sadness. "But if I go in there then I might realize that maybe he won't. I don't know if I'm ready for that." she said and Martha sighed.

"Oh Kate." she said and hugged her.

"He told me he loved me" Kate started and Martha let go off of her.

"I know" she said and smiled; but it was a weak smile.

"He told me he loved me" she repeated and sighed. "And I can't even go in there to be with him." the tears started running down her cheeks again. "He said it to me and I couldn't say it back because I wasn't ready."

"Kate, he-.." Martha started calming her but Kate didn't let her continue.

"I wasn't ready and know he might never wake up again." she said and lose control over her emotions. She started trembling and the tears didn't stop. Martha embraced her and tried to calm her but Kate just wouldn't stop crying.

"I'm sure he would understand. Take your time and when you're ready to go in then you'll go in there. That he's in a coma doesn't mean that he won't wake up again, Kate." she said and Kate nodded. She tried to smile but she couldn't.

"Thank you, Martha." Kate said and Martha smiled.

"You're welcome. If you need me you can call me. I'm going to pick up Alexis from a friend's. I nearly had to force her to go out of here." she told Kate and sighed. Then she stood up and left the room.

* * *

><p>It was almost eleven pm when Kate was standing in front of the room where Castle was lying in. Martha and Alexis had been with him all day long and had left just thirty minutes ago.<p>

She sighed and tried to breathe controlled. "Okay Kate, you can do this." she whispered to herself and pushed the door handle down.

When she entered the room the first thing she could hear were the machines. She closed her eyes for a few moments before she closed the door behind herself. Slowly she walked to the bed listening to Rick's steady breathing. She took the chair from the corner and placed it next to his bed then she sat down and took his hand.

"I'm sorry, Rick." she started leaning her head on his chest. "I'm sorry I didn't come to visit you earlier" she said quiet. "You told me you loved me and I told you I didn't remember but that was a lie. I do remember. I wanted to say it back so many times but I didn't feel ready. I didn't feel good enough for you. I still don't. I don't know why you love me but I don't care. Now I know how it feels to see someone you love dying. I don't know if you can hear me and I don't know if you will wake up but..." she sighed again and kissed his hands.

"I love you, Rick, I love you" she could feel the tears running down her face. "I love you and I can't lose you. I know it took me way to long to finally say this to you but I love you and I just don't want to lose you. Stay with me, wake up, Rick, please wake up" she whispered looking at his face.

She looked to the machine that was counting his heart beat and sighed. The doctor had said that if the heart beat changed he was either waking up or leaving. It didn't change.

Kate stood up and took a blanket from the end of the bed and went back to the chair. She sat down put the blanket over her body and leaned against Rick's chest. Now she was in the room – now she wasn't going to leave his side again.

She didn't know what woke her up but it was still dark outside and the only persons in the corridors where nurses and doctors. She was still leaning against his chest. Slowly she looked around. Everything looked the same but maybe that was exactly what she didn't have to look at. She looked at Rick and listened. Listened to his heart beat – his heart beat. It sounded different, stronger. She looked at his chest and knew that had been what had woken her up: his chest raising and falling.

She looked at his face and could see his eyelids fluttering and for a moment she hold her breath.

"Rick?" she asked quiet and was sure he was making some noise.

"Rick are you awake?" she asked now louder. His eyelids fluttered again until they slowly opened.

"Oh my god, Rick" she whispered now crying into his chest.

"Kate?" his voice sounded exhausted like after a fight but she heard him. She felt his powerless hand touch her hair and she took it.

"I thought you would never wake up again" she said and hold his hand against her face. He gently touched it.

"Kate?" he asked and looked her into the eyes. He was trying to smile.

"It's okay" he said. "It's okay that you didn't come in earlier." he said and she smiled a tired smile and nodded.

"How are you feeling?" she asked him.

"Tired and exhausted" he said and looked outside the window. "What time is it?" he asked her.

"I'm not sure. About two o'clock in the morning I guess." she answered and looked at him.

"Was that the only thing you heard me saying?" Kate finally asked.

He smiled and this time the smile was strong. "No" he said and looked into her eyes.

She smiled back and looked at his hand holding hers. "I heard everything." he said and tried to lean forward but she pushed him back and came to meet him.

"I love you" she whispered and smiled.

"I love you" he smiled back before their lips met. "Always"

* * *

><p><strong>I hope you liked it. I know it wasn't really long but I thought it would be a nice present for Shivanna. I love you honey 3<strong>


End file.
